well school is out and the summer is beginning. i am happy to be home, but i do miss my bmore friends. i have gotten closer to so many people this year, and i have to say that i am truly blessed to have known them. down in the basement of the academic center, there is a group of girls known as the "sandlot crew" and we are the one of the best film crews there is at SU. we formed ourselves because there was just the four of us in the film class and we just learned to stick together. we even try to be in the same classes next semester. its kinda funny that when i was a freshman and sophmore, i always passed by the video lab and saw the upperclassman have a good time and i could never have the courage to talk to them. but now i am the upperclassman and i am in the lab all the time, and i am always smiling...

i cant believe i am offically a senior now. that is really scary. the years have gone by so fast, i only remember bits and pieces of my 1st yr. after my last year, thats it. done. over. get my diaploma and leave. no more classes. no more writting 8-10 pages about Hitchcock (arghhh!). i have to admit that i am scared for my future. getting into the film business is not easy. i just hope i will not be at my momma's house 5ys after i graduate. but you know, life is really unpredictable and all i can hope is for the best with my determination to be successful.

this summer should be interesting....i think. things are already starting and i like the looks of things....<3

i think im getting a cold now. my throat hurts and my head is feeling a little hot. not much has happened over this month. i've been building a website for my internship class and i have to start making business card templates. i've been in a good mood lately...dunno why. my nerves have been calm nowadays. i havent had a mental breakdown since the beginning of this month. my relationship with my roommates has improved and i don't feel like an outsider looking in anymore. the only thing in my life whereas i need a little work is my money management. even though i got a new job, im stuck paying bills and end up being broke before my check cashes.....besides that, im still in a good mood.

its october. how wonderful. the weeks have been going by so fast, im losing track what day it is. so much has happened in a month. i got a new job now. im not working at famous daves anymore, but i moved on up to fine dining. i work as a hostess at linwoods restaurant. i found it on craigslist and i totally forgot i applied for it until they called me a week after i applied and i denied it cuz i already had interview lined up at ruby tuesdays and another position on campus. but then i called them back five minutes later and got an interview that day and started working that evening. i never been a host before, but its a lot of work. you got to greet the people, take their coats, find a table thats not reserved, if they change their mind, find another place, take reservations, and a whole bunch of other stuff. but the good thing is that now i get paid $10/hr. im so happy. and guess what today is??? payday!!! i can't wait to see what my paycheck looks like and ill be so happy to have money cuz i've been broke for so long. i got laid off at the avalon desk cuz apparently i am not eligible for workstudy this year. thats some bull. i asked financial aid for an explaination and they wouldn give me one. so i just moved on to better things. i would still rather have 2 jobs, but im grateful for what i have. relationship wise, *sigh* yea i got a boyfriend again. but im trying to keep this one seriously. im not talkin 2 other guys, my roommates like him, and i see him at least 2 times a week. thats all im going to say about him. im trying to get an internship this year. i need to get an internship this year, but i dont think i will have the time for it. what i would really like is to have an internship over the summer, so i wont be worried about classes and i could always work on the weekend. thats what i think i will do, but im not goin to wait til the summer to search for one.

halloween is coming up and im really excited about this year. i want to wear a corset this year and become an evil mistress. im going to be that during the night, but during the day, me and my roommates want to become the fruit of the loom characters. im apparently going to be the grape.......that should be interesting. but during the night, i want to look fly and sexy lol. the haunted trail is coming up and im helping with the commercial to advertise it. apparently the sga committee wants to do it like this:





yea.....that should be interesting too. lol

its already september. august went by fast. we are starting on the second week of classes but it already feels like the middle of the school year. im tired. not jus physically, but with life in general. nothin excites me anymore. i feel like my life is on autopilot and im just a passenger watching the days go by. what is there to do these days? eat, sleep, wash the dishes always left in the sink the night before, go to class, and go to work. then i start the whole process all over again. *sigh*.....i need something else. something i know is there but i foolishly grab for it like tryin to grab a star. it looks close, but in actuality, its so far away. so much is on my mind rite now. money is gettin tight (pretty much non-existent) and i need so much. jus looking at my all my classes syllabus' im already wondering how im going to accomplish it all. im wondering if ill be able to work at famous daves again cuz hey hav so many ppl there already and they might not need me. my relationships are fallin apart, and im dont think im ready to be in another one right now. i want to be by myself, but i crave the warmth of my friends. they keep me from going insane (tho they are the same ppl who bring me to that point of insanity lol)....somehow that thought brings me to another thought: what would happen if i died rite now? who would come to my funeral? im not that melodramatic to think that no one would come to my funeral. i know my family would come, no doubt. but with my friends, who would come. i know some people im close to would, but would the ppl i only knew for a short time come? would they guys i've been in relationships come if they found out? would ppl cry or just shake their head in disbelief? i wonder if i will be able to see my funeral from above or from below (whichever i end up). will i be able to see the people there for me and judge for myself if they really care or just fakin it. its weird to be thinking like this, isnt it a bit selfish of me?.....we'll see....

so now im back at the new SU. i moved in on monday and i had kinda a thrill of not havin any of my roommates there. the first nite it was alrite, but its now thursday and its kinda lonely in the apartment. plus i hav some food, but i have no no pots and pans to cook with, so my pancake mix (where i only have to add water! ewww) i can't cook. im kinda sad about that. but i did get some easy mac and some noodles to tie me over for the week. i think my roommates are coming tomorrow, and ill be happy bout that.

today starts the day new students and transfer students move in to the dorms. and i have to say that our school needs to seriously get a second entrance and/or exit, cuz jus having one entrance is congestive, and dangerous. if there was a fire, everyone would die tryin to leave. it was ridiculous. today is just convocation for the new students, transfers, and commuters. over the next 3 days, we have to work with the students in a smaller, intimate group and i unfortunately have a partner. i could do a group of 28 students by myself, but i have to be paired with this person, because of anyone else was paired with him, they would kill him. i was apparently told that i have the patience to handle this person. i consider this a compliment, but when i think about how i had to work with this same person last year, i consider it a burden. its hard working with him, but...*sigh*....hopefully i can work this out like i did last year. what doesnt help is that we don't expect a lot of students to show up for the whole weekend. this always happens: everyone shows up on the 1st day, half sshow up for the 2nd day, and by the last day, the group is so small that we have to combine with other groups to make it seem passable. but this should be a lil fun this year cuz we have some cool stuff going on like comedians, iron man, and ice cream (yay!)....i jus hope i can get through this weekend without killing anyone....including myself....

......i havent been on LJ for a while, but what do i come back to??? finding out that Keenu Reeves will be playing the character Spike in the live action movie of Cowboy Bebop!!!  O_o.....really? are you serious? they couldnt  find anyone else?.....c'mon!...i jus got depressed even further.....

this week has been quite depressing. this is my last week at home. since i move back in on mon, my mom has been making me pack now, which would make sense cuz i always seem to forget something, but im a last minute packer. i would rather pack everything sunday nite jus so i kno i wouldn forget anything. that probably makes no sense....but the sad thing is im actually gonna miss home. i just celebrated my moms birthday yesterday and that made me realize im really gonna miss my mom when i go back to school. and im gonna miss my friends, though i had a limited time with them. the most depressin thing is that i wont be able to hang out with my lil brothers and sisters and lil cousins on my dad side as much. most of them have grown so much that i felt old, but it was nice and i even got to take some pics of them with my camera phone so i can keep them with me always :).....

with moving back in, im gonna kinda be lonely being in the apartment all week until my roommates move in that next weekend. but on the good side, i've been learning about who is going to be livin in the same apartment as i and im excited to kno that one of my best friends with be the the same buildin. so long the days of havin to call for him to open the door to the buildin so i can come in. this yr, i will be living on the 1st floor. one side of me is excited and another is kinda weary. i like the first floor so i wont have to move all my crap up the elevator and i can quickly access the "very limited" washers and dryers. the downside of livin on the 1st floor is i might have to deal with people above me. if people are loud and rowdy and bang on the floor all the time, we are definately have a prob. and i definately kno, my roommates wont take that bs.


one thing that has caught my attention is the upoming movie "Hamlet 2: Rock Me Sexy Jesus". i have to admit even tho the previews look very offending, i actually find myself chuckling. i have watched "Jesus Christ Superstar" and that jus kinda freaked me out with all the singing, but this new movie looks actually funny. i cant wait to see it so i can jus hav my own opinon on it.

first it was bernie mac, now its isaac hayes. wut in the world is going on??? why all the greats dying? im jus in shock.....please Lord, don't take my mother away from this world yet....


R.I.P to everyone who has lost someone recently...

summer is almost over and even tho it seems that i havent done much over the last few months, i have to several revelations:

• Relationships - im not being good at them or im just finding the wrong guy. i only wish i can find that guy who i interact with on a daily basis who understands and accepts me for who i am. it seems that i have to put on a front with the people i meet. i decided that before i do into a relationship, i want a friendship. with a friendship, a person knows more about me. with a relationship, a  person gets to know a more intimate side of me. i need that friendship first so i know what that person is about throughout the daily happenings and vice versa. is that too much to ask for?
• Violence - i realized that i am am violent person and how far i will go just for a friendship. to make a long story short (and to not get me arrested) one of my closest friends had a ex-boyfriend that wouldn leave her alone. so she told me about it and i got some other close friends and meet him. the meeting didn go very well (not like i expected it to) and certain measures were taken. i never realized i had a side in me like that, but i know better now to be better prepared if sumthin happens again.
• Otakon - i keep reading ppl blogs and status's on facebook saying everyone is getting ready for otakon. i really need to go again. i havent been in so many years and i remember the last time i went, i actually dressed up. not as any known character, but me and my girlfriends made up our own characters and had our own names (weird, yes i know), but it was fun nevertheless. i need to save up (really) to go next yr....
• Cooking - i cant cook....thas pretty much it. i even got chicken paramesan wrong. my mom barely made it through. i know how to make some stuff, but if ppl want me to cook, im gonna need a recipe in front of me.
  
• The Chinese - im watching the opening ceremony to the Olympics right now, and all i have to say is amazing...fuckin amazing. i never seen so much technology used (a whole bunch of mind-blowing shit with a HUGE LCD). Zhang Yimou directed this ceremony and i have to say he is a fucking genius! this part im watching right now is a huge globe of the world came up from the floor and performers are running around it. even people runnin upside down and around the equator. ever since the ceremony started, i been out of my mind. Yimou is totally ridiculous. so many costumes, the music, the illusions. things u would think would be technology moved, is really moved by one of the 15,000 performers...there is so much stuff...oh the whole cool part just ended. now is when the ppl from every nation walk around. i could care less about that...but if u didn see the ceremony, u really missed out to see great art in movable form. hopefully it will be on youtube so i can watch it again....the Chinese rule!

for the last two years, i've been wanting a corset. i've always found them sexy and cute. ive been gettin back into fanfiction (yes, i still go back to the basics lol) and for some reason, everytime there is a mention of a corset. plus i saw this woman walkin down the street in one while i was driving and i had to double back to look at her and i almost go in accident. i admit, she did look hot in it (well of course it was like 90 degrees, but u kno wut i mean). this is heightens my longing for one. but i dont know where to look for one, how to try them on, or where "type" would fit me. i need help....

so i got a new phone...i kno, FINALLY!! i've had my old crummy fone since i entered highschool, and i was finally able to get the one i wanted, a fone with a keyboard. i txt so much that its a relief to hav a keyboard. i switched to verizon and i got the envy fone. i got verizon cuz i knew at school, its verizon based and i could (possibly) get service on the other campus, witout playin hide and go seek with the signal.

i have been so busy this week that i forgot to plan a bday party for my friend. it was originally a reunion for my friends, but my friend brit said it was her bday today, so i was plannin for everyone 2 meet. but i got so busy that i was able to connect with everyone in a timely manner, so meetin today is a no go. also i hav to work later today, but i was still gonna try to make it. i feel bad that i didn plan it timely and didn keep up with it. i apologized to all my friends and asked them to see if they were available any other day...

i have to take a quick shower and get dressed cuz my mom told me to come to her job around 10-ish. the time it takes me to get dressed, i mite make it around 10:15...

please 4 my family. one of my cuzins got shot and he in da hospital...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

i had a good day yesterday despite my last entry (hehe). sry if i worried ya'll, but one of my supposed "friends" accused me of shit that i didnt even do, but i told him to fuck off and yea....that was what happened....but anyway....

yesterday i was able to see my some of my friends from the anime club we went to in highschool. it was really great catching up with everyone. we went to shadowland laser tag and i swear when we walked in the door, all heads turned to us cuz five black adults walked into a place crowded with little white kids. it was really funny. when we finally got to play the game (we played by oursleves, thank God, cuz lil kids run too fast lol) we figured that the next time we do this, we would have to have a training week beforehand! we were out of shape, running, hiding, becoming snipers lol. after the 1st game we played, we were pooped. we were all sweating and breathin heavy. next game we played (after we had a 5 min break) was the same. i swear my friend alex is trainin to be a sniper cuz he was hitting everyone fro around corners and whatnot. everybody knows i can't aim like shit, and i still can't, but sumhow i was ranked number 1 in the second game we played. next time i kno to wear a proper bra, cuz by the end of the game, by boobs were poppin out and my bra was all disfigured lmao. after laser tag, we went to cici's and ate sum pizza, took pics in the parking lot, and went to "walley world" (which i found out was "walmart" lol) and finally we just chilled at borders, reading manga we havent had time to read.
it was great just reconnecting with old friends...i shouldn even call them "old" cuz they are still friends of mine. its great to hear how they are doing, what their future plans are and whatnot. when we chill, its not like we havent seen each other in a yr. when seeing friends you havent seen or talked to in a while, its a little like that. it might be a little awkward at first, but you were friends for a reason, and its easy to get back in the groove of things. it might take a while for others, but u'll get there...

fuck it all! gfgjkwldwg brthjiwxjifi ckggdjfsjfwgwhh fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckjnnnnjdnfskjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjnfnnvffgfkgjgfgvnkmsf AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! fdjfnms,jadfnkmnslakfmklfmgggnvrggurufghgnvjkldjgkjdfgnjfdgndkjngkjdfjkjdfdkjfjkfnjdkfjkdfjkdjdfkjknf;ad;jalja

im just so pisssed offf!!! gdkglfgalagfg fuckdffff.....fuckin.....loser........strangle.......kill........arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


.....................................

..........*sigh*.......i feel so much better..^_^ 

how can one be floating to the heavens, but feel like they are living in a hell? i am happy, yet depressed at the same time. love, unfortunately has these highs and lows. it makes u laugh and it makes you cry. how can one single emotion evoke so many other ones? a year ago i was always asked the question "how do i know if i love him?" my theory was that love took a years time, learning all that you can about a person, accepting the faults and flaws. but i never was experienced in actually being in love. but in that same year ago, i experienced love so quick that i didnt even believe it at first. he is the first person i ever loved but....never met. on previous posts i explained my relationship with greg, how our long-distance relationship "worked," but that was a year ago. we havent really talked for several months but i always tried to keep the contact going by contacting him on facebook to just see how he was doing and we let each other know if each of us had a girl/boyfriend or not, but we then always stopped talkin to each other for a while.
two weeks ago i been having dreams of when i meet greg. it was so intense that i contacted him via facebook saying that he has been crossing my mind and i had to call him. finally last nite we were able to talk and it was like nothin changed. we talk like we known each other for years, catching up on life, work, relationships, and everything else. we talked trying to see each other (me thinking about an internship in st. louis). then he told me something serious that i never heard from anyone: all the relationships he has had or will have in the future are only temporary until he finally is able to be with me. he also said that he wanted me to be the mother of his children. yea, it might sound a lil corny or bs to others, but its sincere. )i also admitted to him that ever since i talked to him, everytime i dated others, i compared them to him, and they never did match up.
i kno it must sound silly loving someone you never seen in person. ill probably be criticized for this...ppl always say that long-distance relationships dont work, especially ones who you meet on the internet, but how can you know without trying? love is mysterious like that...i believe. it knows no bounds for some, but has limits for others. some may never experience it and some may already be in love. its always unexpected and u might not understand it, but when u do, u figure its not that bad....and its not. im definitely no expert and i will never become one, but its like a rollercoaster: it has its highs and lows, u might laugh, u might cry, u might even curse, but when u get off the ride, u are so glad that u took that chance to do it and u figure it wasnt even as bad as u thought....

( i also just realized that i was the "Wifey" described in my last note... *sigh* i dont know if thats a good or bad thing -_-)

jus a while ago, a friend of mine on facebook wrote this note:

"A nigga has 4 different types of girls.. 1. Wifey 2. Boo 3. Bitch 4. Ho 1)Wifey is irreplaceable.. but she is the only one that is irreplaceable.. She is the girl that the guy loves and will always loves, and he never wants to see her with another man.. But.. He will cheat on her with Boo, Bitches, and Ho's until he is mature enough to realize that if he loses Wifey he would be screwed, and NEVER be happy again.. 2) Boo is replaceable, she thinks she's Wifey, but will NEVER be Wifey because Wifey was made Wifey is irreplaceable.. she can NEVER replace her.. Boo tries to take Wifeys spot, but once she attempts, the guy allows her to get a TASTE of Wifey's spot... but will NEVER achieve her spot for any longer than a few months, then the man goes back to Wifey.. And Boo either gets replaced with another Boo, or, the man matures and decides that Wifey is the one for him.. (Ladies.. you don't want to be BOO) 3) Bitches.. A female that a male uses only for sex or other sexually related events..Dat call when Wifey acting up and you need a quick nut. The bitch is the first one running there. 4) Ho's.. enough said! Trying to move up in life, Wants to be a Bitch or a Boo. Hoes are just the girls you bag for no reason and have them in your phone. Backups incase a bitch or a boo slips up. Then you replace with a hoe. duh"

i jus thought this was so tru......wut a shame...

in the same day, two of my closest friends called saying that they almost cheated on their girlfriends. it really got me asking the question of why men can't stay faithful to one girl. dont get me worng, women do they same thing and they are just in the wrong, but for real, how many women do you hear say that they are going to be a "playa" for life? most guys say that they are going to b playa's and not be tied down or sumthing to that degree, but i think that is so stupid to guys to say. for example: all these rappers out there playing the game well get any women they look at (pretty much) but as time goes on, these "hot" rappers get old and their game wont be as hot as before. since they wont be getting all the money they used to, they wont be getting the women they used to either. as women get older they dont play the silly games lil girls play. they know what they want and know when a man doesn't have it. women grow wiser as they get older. unfortunately some men just dont get the point. men who say they will be playa's til the die will be the old men in rocking chairs shamefully hitting on their young nurses lol.

a guy once told me that he will never be in love, but he would "have love for someone." "loving someone just a useless emotion he told me." he was explaining to me that when guys get tired of the playa game and want to hang up their jersey, they just tell a woman they "love" them because the man wants a meal to come home to, a support system, and other "basic" needs. when i heard that, i really started to think that might be true...in some cases. it must get tiring playing the game for so long and when finding out no woman wants to play along, its about time to get settled down and its easy just to say "i love you"....now i hope most men dont have the same ideals because if this were th case, i would feel sorry for all the women out there....better yet, i fear the future of my heart....

this is the 2nd time this year i have been admitted into the hospital. i dunno what was wrong with me this time. after i ate my moms pasta for lunch, about an hour and a half later, i started throwing up. i havent threw up since i came back from otakon one yr after eatin chinese food and a smoothie a few years back. but this time i was seriously throwing up like every 5 min. i even guzzled some peptol bismol, and that came rite back up. after doin this several times, i finally called my mom in my room and she said that i looked like i was goin to pass out. i kept gettin hot and cold, but i didn have a fever. after lying down for a half hr but still rushin to the bathroom, my mom took me to the hospital. i kept dry heaving and my stomach was crampin up. i had nothin else in my stomach. i was so dizzy and couldn stand up straight. for a split second i thought i might be pregnant, but then i knew that wasnt even possible. i was so tired and i keep sleepin in and out. after about 3 hrs the doc said that nothin was really wrong with me. my mom refused to believe it was her pasta lol. it might has been the food my church was serving the other nite (undercooked hotdog) for vacation bible school. but i got plenty of rest and taking my pills, so im feelin better now.

speaking of church, we have vacation bible school everyday this week. im not so thrilled about it. mostly because of the people i have to deal with. im not as social with the younger folk as i used to. im still cool wit some other people, but with the other, the just acting all ghetto. im above all that shit. maybe i am just puttin away all my "childish things" and maturing as a person....im not goin to worry about them. imma be myself no matter what, and if people dont like it, then its their problem....im really worryin about stupid stuff...

im in my room and i hear the song "i kissed a girl and i liked it" play in the living room where my mom was at. my mom was watchin the show "so you think you can dance" and the girl was performing her song. my mom was like "what in the world?!" i told her its a popular song nowadays. she was like "are you kidding me?" it was too funny..

i just got the weirdest look from an african couple in the car next to me while we was stopped at a light. they kept staring at me...i kno im fine, but damn, take a pic or whatnot...probably sizing me up to see if i would suit their son or sumthing like that...

*sigh*...people these days...